This is becoming a bit of a sad blog – death and grief and loss.
(But first of all, anyone who hasn’t owned, and loved, a dog simply has no idea how it feels when they die. So don’t roll your eyes and mutter “it’s only a dog” or “it’s not like losing a child or anything” because you simply have no bloody idea.)
Danny Baker says a pet is the heart of a home. I didn’t understand what this meant until the heart of our home died.
A dog is the thing you always come back to – they are at home more than anyone else, they never go on city breaks or spend the day in Meadowhall or the evening in Pizza Hut.
They are the living part of the house, the part that is always welcoming, always thrilled you are back, and never has any recriminations. They are part of your home and family’s rhythms so intimately that the shock when they are gone is incredible. Suddenly you are unmoored, adrift without any ballast.
In a million different ways I am reminded of Velma, our one-of-a-kind dog. The thump of a tail when you come downstairs in the morning, the trot to the kitchen when she hears you unbolt the back door. The sound of blackbirds shrieking as she swooped onto the lawn. The way she went to the door whenever she heard the washing machine finish its cycle, knowing I’d be going outside, her angry excitement at the postlady and the teeth-punctured envelopes. They way she hurled herself out of the front door whenever she heard the latch turn and jumped up at the fence looking for next door’s cats. The irises I foolishly planted by the fence will now get the chance to grow properly and I couldn’t be more gutted.
I worked from home for many years and one of the reasons we got a dog was for the company. Homeworking, especially in a village, doing a solitary job, can be depressingly isolating. On work days she would follow me into the study, jump onto her chair (always very light on her feet for such a heavy dog) and snooze, checking the window for passing dogs, postladies and wheelchairs (she hated them all). I didn’t know how valuable this companionship was until it was gone.
Now, as I move from room to room I shut all the door behind me. When I leave the house I close all the doors, and when we go to bed we do the same. No need to leave them ajar so the dog can wander about. This is a home without a dog, and the house feels so much bigger, while our lives are made so much smaller.
She has been gone a week, and while those final, terrible days seem to have happened in another universe, the hole her death has punctured through our lives shows no sign of getting any smaller.
When the delivery driver pulls up I still jump up to shut the study door so the dog can’t bother him. He will never know we used to have a dog, and I still can’t believe I am writing the words ‘… we used to have a dog…’.
I clean the house, automatically wiping the places where her paw marks would be, or the bottom of the doors made grubby by her nosing through them, even though they are still clean from last time I automatically wiped them.
I prepare my lunch and go to the cupboard where the dog food was kept, ready to fill her bowl.
Even though it would be much more convenient, I can’t bring myself to leave the gates open, kept tightly shut so she wouldn’t go bowling off into the road. The spot on the drive where she used to sit and watch the pavement, sweeping the gravel clean with her tail when she saw one of her favourite passers-by, is just that – a nondescript piece of drive. There is nothing to show it was once her spot. It is just a piece of ground now.
The time I would have spent on a dog walk, mulling over writing ideas or listening to podcasts or planning the week’s menus, is now spent writing this blog post. The dog never realised we only went on walks for her – she thought we had some important and regular business in the fields or woods and that she was tagging along.
But of course, we didn’t go on walks just for her – they were a vital part of our lives too. And now that precious hour will be filled in with emails, or ironing or Twitter, and we are made lesser because of it.
The outside space she left will be quickly filled up like sand washing into a hole on the beach. But not the space in our hearts and our thoughts. She’s gone and the door is closed forever.